whatever

the funny thing is.., if you chased after me, it really wouldn't be worth it in the long run. i've trained disappointment to trick my brain into turning that feeling into a form of ironic joy. i know no other way... and i'm okay with that. for i'm not normal, and thank fucking god. thank whatever for the fact that i'm not as beige as 99% of all of you. it's not a fuking easy life. in fact, i've become quite fond of the word 'martyr', and no longer look at it as a negative, but more as a "i'm fuking different enough to sacrifice what you wouldn't, for a bigger belief.", type thing. i have to, otherwise the gravity of the lifestyle would kill me instantly. yeah, it looks easy on words, but you do it, then come back to me, and we'll talk. nobody ever does. it's too bad. i think? haha.
and... yeah, i'm fuking angry. i'm fuking pissed. someone should be aware when the empire falls. well.. i suppose if i was one of you fuks, with your 'stability' and work ethic, i'd walk around with capitalistic blindness as well..., but i'm not.. and i don't judge you for it. i think it's admirable. it looks like a quality that i feel if i possessed..., it would make my life a lot easier..., but i don't know why i'm still shocked that all of you assholes so effortlessly project your lameness as judgement on me. you'll never do anything grand anyway and that's restitution to someone like me.
the stupid thing about being human is.. i really wish you'd chase after me. do something crazy... something that feels uncertain. hmmph, my starvation and poverty has got this brain daydreaming again.