ruthless yellow bastard.

i wonder sometimes if ANYONE is perceptive enough to go "why in the fuk is this blog called 'nullibicity'? i'm not gunna front, i myself looked at it tonight and was like "fuk. what does that mean again?"... so i looked it up... then it all came back. nullibicity is considered an 'obscure' word. whatever the fuk that means... it's literal definition is "the state or condition of existing nowhere", not like stagnation. it's different. it's actually a noun. thus describing 'nowhere' as a place.., but the word was argued as being arbitrary, for lacking location entailed lacking existence, and nothing exists that is non extended. get it? well, i don't want to make you think too hard about it, god forbid. but i have to say, i fuking love that word. it got me thinking a little bit about my current state of mind/ life. if something doesn't change in my life, i will be in a state of nullibicity. what good is it for me to create, when it goes unnoticed? if i'm in isolation, how does anybody know i exist? you know, shit like that. i guess i thought at one point or another, things would just work out and it went that way for a long time. it's different now. our culture is different. times have changed, friends have grown up, potential has been sold out to consumerism, substance is no longer a virtue, action has phased out into light dinner party talk.., it's fuk over your friends, judge thy neighbor, cheat on your husband or wife, call your mom on mother's day. it's all fuking shit. all of it. and here i sit wondering.. how much longer can i hold out before i break? cauz the way things are looking, eventually u break. i already getting a bit too fucking comfortable with my own company. yeah, i kinda prefer it to this freak show people refer to as normal. irony is amazing, but i'm sure that too can only take me so far. this is not a way to live. for me at least. so what now? should i say 'fuk it', sell off my shit, which i'm doing anyway cauz our great empire hath fallen, and move out of the country? i dunno. i wanna. i'm over this rant.

i zig. u zag.

most people front about principle. bringing to the table a lot of talk, followed by little to no action... and that's ok. it's what kids/ people do. they try things. they go through phases. they invent causes to rebel against. but, for the record, i myself, don't wanna fight. it's a god damn hassle, not to mention emotionally exhausting and isolating, going against the grain of the system. believe me, i would be absolutely content with .... errrr.. content? but if you do not, wait.., if you simply cannot work with this system.. well, not only does it not work for you, it kicks you while you're down..., it does it's damned hardest to filter you through some sort of process, that eventually breaks you... and in a battlefield of life, ain't nuth'n sadder than the sight of an amputated spirit. i see potential die every fuking day man.. people just standing around, dicks in their hands, just pissing into the wind.

i'm no rebellious kid, experimenting cauz i'm curious, i'm a fuking adult, that is really starting to fully understand what it means being the minority, struggling because of my principles that cannot be bought by money, stability, etc. etc. nor do i have ANY desire to be lured with this bullshit they call the "american dream". american dream is nothing more than a fuking flavor of ben & jerry's ice cream to me. it is a damn good flavor though. ummm.. YEAH, i do contemplate all the time, ALL THE TIME, going another direction, who doesn't think about living a life that doesn't remotely resemble their own? but in the end, your principles, wrong or right, is all you have... and when i'm no longer apart of this blip we call life, i wanna make sure the fingerprint i leave in this life is fuking intact. there is no right way. it doesn't fuking matter, until your way is deemed wrong, oh god, then u deal with assholes dishing out what's "right", it's so fuking dumb. and people just don't fuking get it.. with capitalism, it's all about money... and when it's all about money, it's never about the people. i'm struggling, hard.., and that's so fuking dumb if u think about it.. struggling for no fuking reason.., not by choice, or curiosity, but for having the capacity to zig while everybody else robotically zags. dig? ...

whatever

the funny thing is.., if you chased after me, it really wouldn't be worth it in the long run. i've trained disappointment to trick my brain into turning that feeling into a form of ironic joy. i know no other way... and i'm okay with that. for i'm not normal, and thank fucking god. thank whatever for the fact that i'm not as beige as 99% of all of you. it's not a fuking easy life. in fact, i've become quite fond of the word 'martyr', and no longer look at it as a negative, but more as a "i'm fuking different enough to sacrifice what you wouldn't, for a bigger belief.", type thing. i have to, otherwise the gravity of the lifestyle would kill me instantly. yeah, it looks easy on words, but you do it, then come back to me, and we'll talk. nobody ever does. it's too bad. i think? haha.
and... yeah, i'm fuking angry. i'm fuking pissed. someone should be aware when the empire falls. well.. i suppose if i was one of you fuks, with your 'stability' and work ethic, i'd walk around with capitalistic blindness as well..., but i'm not.. and i don't judge you for it. i think it's admirable. it looks like a quality that i feel if i possessed..., it would make my life a lot easier..., but i don't know why i'm still shocked that all of you assholes so effortlessly project your lameness as judgement on me. you'll never do anything grand anyway and that's restitution to someone like me.
the stupid thing about being human is.. i really wish you'd chase after me. do something crazy... something that feels uncertain. hmmph, my starvation and poverty has got this brain daydreaming again.