Posts
i really wanted to be watching 'intervention' on A&E, really stoned, and realize it's someone i know. so somebody pleaz fuck up ur life enough in '09, so i can have this notch under my belt? thanks
another year that has slipped through my fingers, without taking some dudes virginity. i believe '09 will be my last year to accomplish this feat, because after that, it's just gonna be creepier than it already is.
i feel like i should've done more psychedelics..// although, i did add a new drug to my list in '08, the mutha fuck'n weed.., so not a total waste.
ice blocking. i should've gone ice blocking. it's a good time.
wow. people were a huge bummer this year. i gotta make sure that my highly addictive personality doesn't attract too many psychopaths in '09. for some reason, psychos always make me go a big rubbery one, thus always slipping past my acute radar and wind up making my life lamer than it needs to be. i'm gonna be on top of the red flags in '09 fuckers.
///that's all i can think of for the moment// time to shower. get ready, so i can capture people's worst drunken NYE moments/
20081231
'08 bummerz
quick self-assurance ///
when you wake up feeling like a scumbag and yearn for some good ol' self-assurance, but can do without the introspective soul searching......
clean your fucking microwave. i shit you not, you'll feel like a new person.///
20081228
// shroom liner notes:
// post, post, x-mas fucked up notes//
god be damned if i don't love psychadelics. love 'em to death. especially now that i'm not 14 years old and can actually appreciate the situation"s", so, so much better.
status: been shrooming allll night. started at 1:30 am? try to bring the shroom bubble back to my house. realizing again..., that is impossible. drama drama drama.. there is always that "fucker" who finds their way into an obvious 'we are all on shrooms' environment.. however, many fun moments were gained.
cops came. to my house. noise complaint. sober, was not the look i carried. just wrote "cops came" with a sharpie, on my arm.
status: 6 AM. people have all gone home. sun is coming up. listening to blues.. really really wanted to listen to elmore james. great great old blues. i luv the blues.
jesus people are so fucking peculiar.
i love to laugh. i wish i laughed, like truly laughed a lot more.
//fuck. i love flannel. //
death to pearlzz-- pearlzz had to be ripped from my neck earlier while dancing, for they were strangling me.. had to rip 'em right the fuck off.
i love chewable vitamin C. shit is my crack// more people should know... //
satus: 9 AM safeway run. by myself. drove. was great. bought $90 worth of food?? not sure why.
i love popsicles. i bought a huge box of popsicles. wow! there is actually and website// www.popsicle.com//
and it's amazing.. you can find out what kind of popsicle to eat next by choosing an answer from a limited, abstract, drop-down list, to 3 very sophisticated questions//
1. if you were an animal, what animal would u be? //armadillo
2. what do u do for fun? // play music
3. what's your head most shaped like? // light bulb (uh-huh)
/// what odd questions.. but, i'll tell you something hilarious.. the kind of popsicles that were chosen for me, where the exact fucking ones i just bought at safeway. the firecracker.. so fuck, it ain't all bullshit. they know things. //
end transmission//
20081226
fuck the DPT
i want a rap song for my generation that’s called “fuck the DPT”. that’s the 'Department of Parking and Traffic', for those of you who aren’t acronym savvy.
it can be like NWA's song “fuck the police”, little bastard child or something, yeah know? don’t get me wrong, “fuck the police" is a great lil ditty that i myself have had many a drunken 4am, wannabe gangster, rock outs to.
however, i kind of wish that my hatred for the DPT, would be represented properly through the joy of music.. that way, when i have to leave the warm womb of my room at 5:00am,.., to move it, to avoid a stupid, yet always pricey, parking ticket, i can at least know the joy, of my hatred being validated through singing about how much the fucking the DPT can suck a dick. maybe that can be the name of the song? ‘the DPT can suck a dick’ -- perhaps a lil change up? i mean, the options are endless here.
now, you might be saying “whoa, it's just “a” ticket”, or some shiat, but tickets are the weed of the parking world, the gateway drug. they just start building and building, then all of the sudden it just becomes too much, and you ponder to yourself "but.., how did it get this bad?" ... at which point you say "fuck it!", cause it's all about self sabotage, when you're on the crazy train to the tenderloin--- the 'hard shit' aka 'the tow'. and then you’re fucked.
fuck the DPT.
20081221
leave the goods instead.
seriously. why? why can't it EVER be a bag of drugs, a bottle of whiskey..., perhaps some treasure of sorts.. (treasure is pretty sweet), that gets left behind, in my room, the day after?
obviously there are multitudes of reasons behind this, that i can't possibly discuss for other multitudes of reasons. mainly, that it's 7:39 am, and i should go to bed. considering that 'tonight', is 'the day after'...
try and keep up here..
*
*
*
however, to splice this bitch up real quick, i'd say it's 50% due to.., anything awesome like drugs etc., people usually A. do or B. manage, even in a retarded stupor, not to leave behind.
and the other 50%? easy. weird chick shit. weird chick 'accessories', that some chicks leave behind. why? fuck, who knows? sometimes i wonder why these things were worn in the first place to even be taken off later..
makes me curious to what dudes think when they find some alien chick shit laying around, while cleaning up from whatever skank they banged the night before? like, "wtf is this and what does it do?"
EXHIBIT A:
*found in my room after a lil party the night before*
now, what am i suppose to do with that? i don't even know what it is. although, i'm no scientist, i can however, say with confidence, that shit isn't treasure of any sorts. nope. no wealth. no jewels. not even a baggy to scrape.. not like i'd do that or anything, i've just heard whispers about people doing things like that..., pssh.
20081208
digital friendship request spam.
it doesn't matter what i do. what i write.... if my myspace is private or not, there will always, always be that one fucker who will randomly write me on myspace with some shit like "i dig art too, let's be friends <-----insert more digital diarrhea here** "... i'm pretty certain that the 5% of the population, that makes up these fantastic individuals, is really just one fucking person..., that is merely a shape shifting morph of what i would define as literally, my polar opposite, possessing every quality of what i would deem as very, very, unattractive.
i mean, i can say with a fair amount of confidence, that there is not a damn thing about my myspace that remotely suggests that if your profile picture holds the alluring charm of no shirt, tribal tattoos and dreadlocks, to please, please, write me with a shitty one line opener, followed by some uncreative way of asking for my digital friendship.
with that in mind, i'm wondering, what exactly is the method, if any at all, to this morphing madness? like, what's the process of selection, in which i wind up the lucky winner? i think these fuckers have some sort of, default, crap message, that just fucking spams inboxes around the nation, with the hopes of getting "a" response...., and that's what's really going here, i'm a victim, man, a victim. well, that's just not gonna stand. solution? i'm gonna create a counteraction, default, rejection message. yep. something that simply states:
"no need for the creation of uncreative spam email titled "yo". digital friendship shall never be obtained. please move on and morph into someone else's worse nightmare."
yeah, something along those lines.., simple, and to the point. however, unlike "random joe" with his spam crapshoot response tactic, i will have a more refined method of madness. oh yes sir.., see, i'm not gonna wait around till victimized again, i'm gonna find these shitty, shirtless dudes and spam them first. boom. rejection before action.
aaaand fuck it, i don't care if i take down some innocent bystanders in the spam rejection process, because i don't think there are any in this situation.. no innocents in the view i'm looking at.. for if you end up on my spam list, which shall be carefully and precisely narrowed down, by being cross referenced with all sorts of super shit like; long dreadlocks held in a high ponytail, tribal tattoos, an urge to show off those crap tattoos by not wearing a shirt, a strong like for noise pollution like, limp bizkit..., and anything else that would make me and most people, not want to even digitally converse with you.. you're fucked anyway. and if you haven't entertained the ridiculous notion that somehow we will be joined in digital friendship by stating that you "dig art too", i'm sure someday you will, therefore, you must be taken down.
interesting, yet pointless fact: it is 6:50 am right now, and no, i didn't just wake up. and yesss, of course i'm still drinking.
20081122
ordinary.
here is what you need to know.
how i accept what you hold, whatever you call your own.
no. no, i can't leave it alone.
it's inside of me and intoxicates me with the sickest kind of pleasure a person could only hope to know.
and jesus christ, no, i won't let it go.
not even a million years of suffering could make me do so, fuck no.
i don't give a shit what you do or don't know.
it's my scheme.
that one twisted plot hidden in the seams of everything.
so, what in the fuck do you bring?
samples and abundance of something not at all revolutionary?
in fact, i'd have to say...., it's quite ordinary.
being that what i crave is hidden controversy,
knotting my voids, yet filling my dreams.
doing nothing, but everything, not to make it about me.
20081114
ugh. my dad reads my blog.
ya know.., i doubt many people ever get to this blog..., and i don't mind it, cause.., fuck shameless self promotion. i don't know, that shit always seems retarded to me. besides, this blog is totally easy to find, if you bother looking..
jesus.., what was my intended point? it really did seem well planned out when i starting thinking about this shit.. fuck. i should've wrote it on my arm or something.
no, seriously, wake up in the morning and see some shit written with a sharpie on your arm, unless you are "special", you're gonna read that shit. hands down. that's just a little side note for all the blazing alcoholic's, like myself, who find it hard to remember every tedious little detail.
seriously, seriously, backing up here for a second my friends, my dad reads my fucking blogs. that's kind of weird to me. not bad weird, or good weird.. inbetween. i am an adult, so who fucking gives a shit, but still.. knowing that kind of feels similar to that awkward feeling one gets when they go to the movies with their parent's and the explicit sexual scene comes on.. yeah. you know. it's never discussed in the open, like, "so son, what did you think about that sexual intercourse?" or whatever, but there is that awkward feeling that goes down.. yeah, well.. pop's reading my blog, undiscussably similar. did i mention that i am pretty stoned right now and still have not regained my original intent for this, but is gonna roll with it anyway?
20080829
the missing bag o' drugs
everybody has lost that one bag of drugs, that they tear their house apart looking for, but never find. obviously this excludes those who are not fun or straight edge (same thing)..
yup. this was a note i found on my fridge this morning.
i thought i knew about all sexual filth.. wrong.
really, i thought i knew pretty much all fucking filthy/ hilarious, sexual terms.., like "the slippery dolphin", or the classic "dirty sanchez".. (if this is greek to you, look it up, novice. this shit is crucial)..
suggestion: go out on a limb. try some of these out. you'll be surprised at the hidden filthy slut that lurks inside us all. no pun intended. let go, live a little.. surprise your partner with an alaskan pipeline. hands down, it's way better than bringing home flowers or some stupid shit like that.
boston pancake
When a lover defecates on another lovers chest. WITH PERMISSION. Then pats down the feces with his buttox to make it into a flat surface. Then the man ejaculates on the feces which acts as the syrup.
Abe Lincoln
When an unconscious person gets jizzed on their face, gets their pubes cut and applied to their face to form a beard, then adorned with a top hat.
blumpkin
The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.
Reverse Blumpkin
A variation of the blumpkin where one gives oral sex whilst evacuating their bowels, thus utilizing both alpha and omega of the ailimentary canal simultaneously.
Or in laymans terms, when one sucks a cock at the same time they are also beaming Schatner off the Enterprise....the sucker is the crapper.
Note: The money shot should occur at the precise moment of final fecal release, thus synchronizing anal closure with ejaculation.
hot carl
the act of putting seran-wrap on ones face and proceeding to take a hot steamy shit on the seran-wrap, thus letting them feel the warmth of the poo on their face.
Donkey Punch
The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you ofcourse).
angry dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
I gave your mom an angry dragon last night!
Strawberry Shortcake
As you cum on your girlfriends face you punch her right in the nose, causing a nose bleed which then combines with your cum.
Damn yo, My girlfriend was hungry so I gave her a strawberry shortcake.
new delhi dot
After anal sex, poke your partner right between the eyes with your fecal covered cock. If you do it correctly, it should leave a "shit dot" similar to that worn by Hindus.
newnan burrito
Wrap your cock in a tortilla and fill the tortilla with whatever a normal burrito would have (sour cream, cheese, maybe hot sauce) and then start having anal sex. Before you cum, you stick the newnan burrito in the woman's mouth, giving the taste of cock and burrito.
Mary kept asking me for mexican food last night, so i gave her a newnan burrito.
space docking
When a man shits into a womans vagina.
cherry cream pie
A timely variation of a regular cream pie; The visual impression of a females vulva after completing unprotected intercourse during her monthly menstrual cycle.
Hot Lips Houlahan
Before you have sex with a woman, put tabasco sauce on the OUTSIDE of the condom, her pussy lips will be on fire in no time. If you want to cool the burn, pull out and hose it down. (this may also work for BJs.)
jona and the whale
When a male inserts his erect penis into the mouth of another and then cums in the asshole of the same person. Then that person farts the semen out of the asshole so it looks like a blowhole.
Jane an Bob went home after a couple of drinks and performed, Jona and the Whale.
Tony Danza
To clarify, the Tony Danza is when you are balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, "Who's the boss?! Who's the boss, bitch?!" Typically, she will yell, "You are!" at which point you turn her around, slap her with your cock and yell, "No. Tony Danza's the boss, bitch"
Rusty Trombone
To get rimmed whilst recieving a hearty reach round, thus resembling a trombone player in full chorus.
pink sock
(n) this is the result of excessive anal plundering; the intestines actually exit through the anus, forming a dangling mass, resembling a pink sock.
Alligator Fuckhouse
A daring sexual maneuver: Mid-coitus, one person bites the neck of the other, locks their arms and legs down and goes into a deathroll, all while maintaining insertion. Like downshifting a car!
alaskan pipeline
n: the act of pooping in to a condom, freezing the rubber overnight, then inserting it in to ones anus.
angry pirate
when a woman is giving a man head, he pulls out, and nuts in her eye. Upon doing this, she will let out some sort of grunt of disapproval, and at this point he kicks her in the shin. This poor girl, being pissed and hurt, will hobble after your laughing ass.
dude,i gave your sister an angry pirate, and thats why she's limping a little...(don't ask why she's walking like she has a stick up her ass... thats a whole different story dude.)
Birmingham booty call
Put your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are having sex, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face.
I met this freak bitch in Alabama, and she intoduced me to the Birmingham booty call.
Microwave a Melon
To put a melon in a microwave long enough to warm it in and out. Then cut a hole in it and proceed to have sex with it. (only for the MOST desperate of people).
I think i will microwave a melon and have sex with it.
dirty gas pump
starting off with simple tea-bagging, making sure that her nose is between your ass cheeks, and as she is jacking you off, you fart as much as possible.
I know she wants a dirty gas pump when she insists on paying at the local mexican restaraunt.
dump truck
tucking the cock and balls between the legs and proceeding to ejaculate in the female's mouth while backing up and dropping a steamy load on her chest making crazy beeping noises like a dump truck
"Beep Beep Beep," said Little Eugene as he dropped a killer deuce all over Molly and her twin sister. "Now THAT's what I call a dump truck!"
rotton oyster
When a man is having sex with a woman that has a foul smelling/tasting vagina, and right before you cum you pull out, stick your dick in her mouth so she can taste her nasty vagina and cum in her mouth.
I was giving a woman oral sex and decided she needed a rotton oyster, so that she could taste what I tasted.
Dirty Fish Hook
When you stick yer finger up a chick's poop chute, hop on her back, stick yer finger in her mouth, and give the 'ol fish hook.
Clay couldn't wait to give his wife the dirty fish hook and make her taste her own feces.
Penis leach
Some one who sucks a lot of penis. Who is basically feeding off of it.
That Girl is a Penis leach.
20080826
who really has the moves, nerd style.
seriously, need i say more? fucking best thing ever. especially at 5am.
20080813
fucking yoda of "intoxication conversation".
i've realized something very important tonight.. that i think the "normal" or "average" person would perhaps get down on themselves for, but i feel very "yoda" awesome about..., and this is the fact that i have mastered the art of intoxicated communication. in "downer, regular people" terms, this merely means i can pat myself on the back for being a damn good alcoholic.
okay, so my short term memory, kind of on the shit side, but my "short, short, short" term memory, wellll...., fuck, in any good intoxicated moment, i can turn into a mutha fucking court stenographer so fast, i'll start throwing out "times" and "locations", on your drunken, chewing your gums, intoxicated ass. i.e.;
"no, no, dude, you are wrong, because at precisely, 8:15 pm, while "talking" in the bathroom, you clearly stated... blah blah, blah."
so basically, what it all boils down to is, in an ideal world i obviously should just get paid a shit load of money to fucking party and be awesomely controlled at it. hell yeah.
don't you see how we are regressing here people? and no, that's not a good thing.
20080708
mess with the bull, get the GAH
this is the kind of shit i stay up all night to do for my friends. well, that i do for julie.
don't try to comprehend it, for if you don't know THE GAH, chances are you never will. so, just try to take it all in as one beautiful masterpiece. fuck'n scorsese couldn't have done a finer job.
"gah's gonna getcha"
20080629
it's the right of passage that i seek
any amount of anything is still more than nothing.
what can you say to the clenching of your fists? watching as your knuckles turn white. there can’t really be a man, if he doesn’t exist. he passes me in the halls and rarely in my dreams.
the smile tells me to never underestimate the power of denial. anybody can be a stranger and any moment can become unfamiliar. those you loved, can betray you. “it’s all a fucking mess”, we manage to whisper to ourselves. convincing others that channels scramble due to outside frequencies.
we create our own disasters. at least that’s what you told me, when you created mine. lies become lies as soon as you seek your version of truth. your mass statements of glory and rigid searching of morals, can be defined as anything, but the truth. the truth never hurts as much as lies do.
noble was the man who once walked these halls, but dark were his eyes as he explained me.
if only you could recognize that mass amount of storage you keep vacant. filled that void with some worth and the emptiness shall subside. how does a man that does not exist measure his worth? apparently against my made up schemes. you can’t embrace what you’ve been through in life and therefore you need my bullshit to measure your worth. it’s the elaborated shame that keeps me real and my mistakes that me undeniably human enough to feel.
i have learned to learn and it’s the right of passage that i seek. i’ll never get it, for how can a man be a man, if he ceases to exist? just look at my white knuckles of my clenching fists. i can’t insist that you didn’t do this. oh fuck it, he is just another man that passes me in the halls. at least i think so. it’s a burden of tunnels that i doubt ever end. i don't recommend that you take that route, but if you do, won’t you just acknowledge me, next time you pass me, dear friend?
20080627
music video: excuses for skipping by the print factor©
what? a new music video by yours truly, the print factor©
who? excuses for skipping ////*there is an older blog post with an interview i did with EFS and pictures from their cd release show** if you want to know more..
song? "decision to be normal" *i actually choose this one out of the choices given to me. some reasons are obvious, the title says it all and others simply just have to do with fucking liking that song the best.. which, by now, trust that i know it by heart.
etc; obviously i wish i could display higher quality, but ya know how it is.., so, with that said... the print factor© presents:
excuses for skipping
"decision to be normal"
'thank you' n' other nice shit:
THANX! to all the ladies in EFS. tammy, linda, allison and wendy, for being great sports and an all around good time. for choosing, hiring and for believing in the print factor©, to make this video! you guys rule! your support means sooo much to me and i always feel honored when you guys choose the print factor© for any of your graphic needs! you guys are all amazing people and dear friends of mine! it's been a blast getting to know you all even better through this shoot!
ps. a double thanx for the long, long wait for this video! sometimes good things take awhile to brew.
xo- pipes
the print factor©
20080607
adapt.
I've become quite used to fruitless writings, to pointless hate, to unanswered questions, and certainly, to getting no reactions. nothing. how does one get used to nothing? by force? it truly is rather amazing how adaptable we "humans" are. living in the most intolerable conditions, will become as comfortable as home. after all, home is where the heart is.
20080429
nothing, but dundee.
man, oh man, you know who the man is? mick mutha fucking dundee. about a week ago, late one night, i stumbled upon the dundee, upon clicking through the 800 different kinds of HBO. now, it's crucial that you know that i am referencing the first one. now, ask yourself, when is the last time you've actually watched crocodile dundee? exaaaaaactly. it's been awhile for me too.
20080423
this fucking week.
is what i call a bunch of bullshit nothing. not a damn thing going on. everything is boring and even the air feels stagnant.
spare me the fucking slogans, like, "only boring people get bored"... cause, that's bullshit, that i just cannot convince myself of. no matter how fucked up i am. eccentric people get bored, because most people are boring. if you can't relate to what i'm saying, then i hate to be the one to burst your colorful bubble, but you just may be a boring, borrrring soul.. and that's okay.. really., without "boring", there wouldn't be "exciting".., so, life needs boring people, so some of us can actually feel a tad exciting. oh, fuck it, that's what alcohol is for. sorry, boring people.
so, within the spirit of this week, this is the best i could come up with. this is the only thing i could "blog" about and it pretty much sums up how i feel and.. well it sums it all up.
till more excitement comes,
may i present;
excitement hits
20080411
[fuck yeah! they are back..]
dude, i love them.. you know you loved them too. what am i talking about? fucking garbage pail kids, of course. man, i used to totally collect these when i was a wee tot and i had them in a baseball card album, 2nd-13th series, all of them, in pristine condition. even the twins for every card. remember? each card had a "twin" card that was exactly the same, but with a different name. oh, and also, when you'd get a whole series together, it'd make a big puzzle of one of the cards in that series. is it all coming back now? it did for me when i saw these fuckers.
i ran into these things at some old skool candy store last weekend, when a friend of mine took me to a winery somewhere around russian river, or something like that... and i don't know about you, but i fully intend to start collecting them again.. oh sweet garbage pail kids, how i've missed thee..
20080328
these mo fo's got everything, but excuses.
the band that's under the piper microscope this month:
Excuses For Skipping.
the members:
tammy- vocals/ guitar
linda- vocals/ guitar
wendy- bass
allison- drums
the myspace:
http://www.myspace.com/xcuses4skipping
the website:
excusesforskipping.com
what i'm saying:
if you ask anyone who is "unfortunate" enough to know me well (pssh, ha ha), they'd probably smirk out of irony, at the thought of me being into a band that i would classify as an all female indie-space-pop quartet. i'm not gonna front about it neither, i'm usually not too into bands that fall into that "all female" genre and this is coming from a female musician, who once too was in an all female band. yup. like it or not, i can be very biased against all female bands. hey, i'm writing from my perspective and opinion, not to please anybody who reads this.., so if you are looking to be pleased, there are 4 million other sources that will blow smoke up your ass. look, stigma's don't just come out of nowhere and cliche's are cliche's for a reason. i could go on and on about why this is, but basically what it comes down to, is the fact that there are quite a lot of girl bands out there, that thrive on the angle of being just cute girls holding instruments and that's about the extent of their abilities. shhhiat, and a lot of them ain't so cute, psssh, just look at the "we play the same three power cords, just in different orders", disgrace to the ramones; band, the donnas. point being? it's female bands like that who create the stigmas and make it just that much harder for those that actually are talented and know their shit..., and this brings me to, Excuses For Skipping.
tammy fortin and linda moody, go way back in the SF music scene and have earned their places as respected musicians. tammy being in previous bands such as,Dyke van Dick, Aerosol Species, The Wiggins, and Blue Gum Art (which linda was also in). our paths crossed way back in my boyskout days and even then, those gals could and still do, run circles around me in their knowledge of gear and their ability to play. to boot, when you see their live set-up, they both have enough pedals to give my bloody valentine a run for their money... now, how could i have nothing, but mad love for that? (not to mention, that they have good style too, what? it doesn't hurt.) whether i know these gals personally, or not, i can say with ease, that these bitches are anything, but boring.
backing the harmonized vocals and continuously changing guitar sounds, of linda and tammy, is the tight rhythm section, consisting of wendy on bass and allison on drums. wendy, i've also known from way back in the boyskout days, and i remember when she first started on the bass, asking me advice on things and talking shop.. and the first time i saw her play, not only did it seem like she's been playing for a lot longer, she was doing backing vocals on top of it. now, as a bassist myself, singing and playing rhythm is like the fucking hardest thing to do.. [sorry to those who play guitar and sing, but it's true, and you know that you can get away with murder, much more than a bassist who sings could!] dude, it fucking took me forever, to get the hang of it and it's still damn hard for me. so.., f'n kudos to you wendy.
now, allison i just recently met, upon getting together for a music video shoot, that The Print Factor© is doing for their song "decision to be normal". [which will be out within a month or so]. anyway, as if these ladies could be anymore bad ass, allison is like the fucking cherry that tops this whole fucking rock sundae off! being that rhythm is where my heart lies, my eye is always watching the drummer, because what everyone should know, a band is only as good as their drummer.. i totally stand behind that! drums are so hard to play, not to mention good, and the ratio of bad to good drummers is like 400:1. now, considering that most musicians are male, think about how low the ratio is for good female drummers..? what? it's fucking true and i think allison would agree with me. she would know, because she happens to be a bad ass drummer. not to mention, pretty spot on, without over doing it! key words: not over doing it!
how come i'm not writing more about how the music sounds? describing it using fancy bullshit terms like "whimsical" ,"blissfully catchy pop interludes", or "dreamy vocals"? because i don't fucking need to is my point. all that crap is just contrived vague shit anyway, written by someone who usually thinks that they know something about music. to me, you know the people, you feel the music. besides, the word 'whimsical' never got me out of the house to a fucking rock show. that's shit that will get you to the nutcracker, if you're 45 and shop at banana republic.
i guess what i'm saying is, all the fucking elements are here; the skills and the talent; the good times; solid tunes; and a crazy ass spectrum of personalities.
see for yourself.
INTERVIEW:
i sent each band member the same four questions, then they all sent them back. so, this is a blind interview. upon posting this, is the first time they will see what they all wrote. note: to keep it real, i did not correct anything they sent to me.
the questions asked:
1. do you feel that there are stigmas against female musicians?
2. what do you think about SF's "unique" local music scene?
- okay, okay, that's kind of vague and broad, so let me get a tad more specific and ask; do you think it works for or against a group like E.F.S., that what happens to be the "local" scene in SF, is completely different from the local scene in other major cities, such as LA, or NY? meaning, what is liked in SF, is usually completely different than what's going down everywhere else.. so, like i know from being a musician myself, in SF, i have witnessed quite a few bands die out in the obscurity of the scene and i have also witnessed bands facing the same issues, but decide to move to somewhere like NY or LA and get signed like that. or is that something you could give a crap about?
3. if you'd have to say, in just your opinion, are there more good bands than bad, in SF, or more bad than good?
4. lastly, and most importantly, which of your boobs do you like the best? the left, or the right? [and that would be your left/ right]
the answers they gave:
TAMMY:
1.pipes, that's a very good question, and it being easter, i've got lots of stigmas on my mind. people tend to think you suck if you're a girl. it is every girl's responsibility to rock as hard as possible (whatever that means) in order to remove the stigmata. it is our job. no guy is going to erase the sigmata. people are stoopid. you have to skool their asses.
2.pipes, i'm glad you asked. sf has great bands, i live(d) with dudes who are in two of my favorite bands of all time (never mind just sf bands in particular), and i'm talking about tussle and the mall. we just recently played with one of my new favorite bands: french miami. and one of the best shows i've ever been to was a von iva gig at 12 galaxies. i still love bands like erase errata and caesura (R.I.P) and can't wait for the next troll record. wink. the scene is whatever you make it. if you're complaining about the scene, it's probably because you think it's cool to do so, maybe you heard someone else being a critic and thought they sounded 'smart.'
3.there are definitely more good bands than bad. this town is way too competitive for bands that suck.
4.pipes, this is a very important question, and i'm glad you had the courage to ask it. right boob. hands down.
ps: when do you wanna hang out and read my monster magazine with me...? dont you like monsters? huh? it's from 1978. two years after the bicentennial. a fine year for monsters.
* ha ha, i love tammy. if my mother’s embryo split, it’d probably be tammy.
ALLISON:
1.hmmm. I honestly feel that stigmas around female musicians in general have mellowed out in the last 10 years. It seems that all of the bands that I am listening to have at least one woman instrumentalist. It is cool though, cause now they aren't always the eye candy lead singer, they are more often the bass player or the drummer or whatever. I think musicians and listeners alike are less surprised by great musicians who happen to be female these days. That said, I do think that there is a certain stigma to being in an "all-girl" band. In other all girl bands I have been in, when random people asked us what kind of music we played, there was always an assumption that we would either be a Sarah McLaughlin type folk deal or L7 type punk rock. The idea that girls could write, all by themselves, the kind of melodic indie type stuff that some of my bands have, seems to still be hard for a lot of folks to grasp, which I find kind of fascinating
2.I have always had a real love hate relationship with the SF music scene. First - EVERYONE in SF is or was at some point in at least one band. Here's the thing, music lovers in SF have, on any given night, 30 shows to choose from. Not only that, but everyone one has some friend or coworker that is always trying to drag them to some shitty bar with an equally shitty sound system to watch their band. But in spite of all of this musical energy, when was the last time a group from SF had any level of real success (signed to a big label and not dropped in a year?). I hate to say, I can only think of the Counting Crows or Third Eye Blind, who were basically both well connected, yet horribly cheesy studio bands. So, why the SF scene is largely ignored by the "industry"? I don't think it is a lack of talent that keeps the scene in SF from being a better career springboard for good bands; I really think it has to do with the sheer volume of bands trying to get even a tiny piece of the pie. While this has led to a sort of cool DIY ethic where bands with like styles trying to get together their own little scenes, but I think this creates a situation where schmoozing between musicians becomes more important than actual talent. Thus music becomes politics. Frankly, I gave up the "dream" a long time ago and basically just continue playing because I am lucky enough to have hooked up with some really talented people. Do I get frustrated at seeing really bad haircut bands dominate the good clubs and festivals? When I hear what most of them actually SOUND like, yeah, but that is a concern for a much younger musician than I.
3.I think my last answer alluded to this, but I think there are way too many bands in SF, a few of them pretty good, but most are not so great. I always catch myself thinking "do these guys really think anyone willingly wants to listen to this? or "are they actually trying to bore us to death?!" I tend to be the a**hole of the band who basically likes 3 bands in 100 so I might be the wrong person to ask. Some of my absolute favorite bands are local though and I am happy about that!
4.Interesting question. I have always been almost completely indifferent to my boobs. I have a complicated relationship with my girl parts, not because I don't like being a girl, I totally do, but I don't really use any of my "parts" for their intended purpose, yet am still forced to deal with their constant needs - For example- the boobs require bras, which I know NOTHING about shopping for, so I always end up with these ill-fitting messes strapped across my chest that do nothing to enhance a part of my body that has never really been of any use to me in the first place. I don't think I have bad boobs, but what is the point? I do like other people's boobs though.
LiNDA:
1.the biggest thing i've come across is that a lot of guys i meet who work with musicians- like bookers, producers, engineers, tend to assume i don't know what i'm doing and then are super surprised after we play and say i didn't think you girls would be playing such "intelligent music" as if girls can only sound a certain way- (dumb?). You really have to prove yourself when you a girl - but the only thing you have going against that really is yourself.
2.there is a scene that exists everywhere and nowhere at the same time and it only really exists in the movies that get played out in your mind. At least thats my reality. If you think about that sort of stuff as an artist - you are losing touch with the music. We are all really in the same movie anyway-all of us- whether we're in LA or NYC - they're just different aspects of the same movie.
3.i don't know i really am a hermit.
4.I am an equal opportunity boobist. I love boobs.
WENDY:
1.Oh totally! People are always surprised when female musicians can actually PLAY their instruments!
2.It will be interesting to see how the rest of the world reacts to Excuses For Skipping. I guess we'll see this August! Do I ever see EFS moving to a major city in hopes of getting signed? No.
3.To be honest I don't really know. I'm pretty much obsessed with a few bands right now (none of which are from SF) MGMT,The Black Angels and The Kills. I know this new band "Intermission" kicks ass though! ;o)
4. My right by far. lets just say she has characture. ;o)
well... i guess the final word here is that.. the right tit is usually the best tit. funny, i'm a fan of my left.
thanx to EFS for participating in my bullshit.
EFS- currently has a new CD out- "out of work early"
PICS OF EFS- MARCH 14th, CD RELEASE SHOW, HEMLOCK:
20080325
[slutty putty]
the title pretty much sums this all up. heh "slutty putty". no, actually, that doesn't sum shit up. it's one of those "you had to be there moments". but, basically, this is a result of my friend, marina, and i, being waisted at like 4am.. while she decided to make sculptures of silly putty and i decided to do a photo shoot with the putty. what? like you've never done it? pssh.
20080324
[hours of entertainment. hours]
don't ask how, cause i don't know..., but one fruitful day, while doing one of my cracked out google searches for awesome pointless shit, i stumbled on the world's funniest e-cards, which you can totally send to anybody for free. there are hundreds of these fuckers and as god as my witness (pfffft.. ha ha) will provide hours of entertainment.. now, i was already thinking "whoever made these, is on top of shit, especially for giving them away for free", but i started thinking.. 'how can i carry this vision further?'.. well, how many times have you personally been stuck in some fucking boring conversation, or some drama bullshit, or even perhaps you are just feeling lazy and wished that at certain times, you had something to hand to someone, that would basically say it all for you, so you don't have to? happens to me on a daily basis. look, i'm just embracing my natural contempt for the mass of stupid people. you don't gots to lie to kick it.
anyway,.. so i picked out a few of my favorites, printed those fuckers out, laminated them, and put them in my pocket. just to randomly pass out, when i'm in one of the above mentioned situations.. i mean.. jesus, i could think of a thousand circumstances that i could be in and usually do wind up in, where i would love nothing more, than to have to say nothing, hold up my index finger, implying 'please pause your pointless speech for a sec', thumb through some cards, hand out the perfect one, smile and walk away.
if you are not one to follow me in my extreme, yet ingenious ways, at the very least, they are hilarious just to email to certain friends. i'll post my favorites, so my blog makes a tad more sense, but you should check out the full plethora for yourself. perhaps even joining me in my quest to cease pointless conversation.
[awesome, hilarious, free, e-cards ]
20080320
[cb lingo yo]
amongst the very, very important things i have to do, is to become absolutely fluent at cb lingo. what's cb lingo? well an easy way to explain it, would be to say, "trucker's code"... a language of phrases stated in "10 code" or by using other weird words like "echo, bravo, foxtrot".. etc. etc. or to state properly;
"Ten-codes, properly known as ten signals, are code words used to represent common phrases in voice communication, particularly by law enforcement and in Citizen's Band (CB) radio transmissions."
10-1 Receiving Poorly
10-2 Receiving Well
10-3 Stop Transmitting
10-4 Ok, Message Received
10-5 Relay Message
10-6 Busy, Stand By
10-7 Out of Service, Leaving Air
10-8 In Service, subject to call
10-9 Repeat Message
10-10 Transmission Completed, Standing By
10-11 Talking too Rapidly
10-12 Visitors Present
10-13 Advise weather/road conditions
10-16 Make Pickup at...
10-17 Urgent Business
10-18 Anything for us?
10-19 Nothing for you, return to base
10-20 My Location is ......... or What's your Location?
10-21 Call by Telephone
10-22 Report in Person too ......
10-23 Stand by
10-24 Completed last assignment
10-25 Can you Contact .......
10-26 Disregard Last Information/Cancel Last Message/Ignore
10-27 I am moving to Channel ......
10-28 Identify your station
10-29 Time is up for contact
10-30 Does not conform to FCC Rules
10-32 I will give you a radio check
10-33 Emergency Traffic at this station
10-34 Trouble at this station, help needed
10-35 Confidential Information
10-36 Correct Time is .........
10-38 Ambulance needed at .........
10-39 Your message delivered
10-41 Please tune to channel ........
10-42 Traffic Accident at ..........
10-43 Traffic tieup at .........
10-44 I have a message for you (or .........)
10-45 All units within range please report
10-50 Break Channel
10-62 Unable to copy, use phone
10-62sl unable to copy on AM, use Sideband - Lower (not an official code)
10-62su unable to copy on AM, use Sideband - Upper (not an official code)
10-65 Awaiting your next message/assignment
10-67 All units comply
10-70 Fire at .......
10-73 Speed Trap at ............
10-75 You are causing interference
10-77 Negative Contact
10-84 My telephone number is .........
10-85 My address is ...........
10-91 Talk closer to the Mike
10-92 Your transmitter is out of adjustment
10-93 Check my frequency on this channel
10-94 Please give me a long count
10-95 Transmit dead carrier for 5 sec.
10-99 Mission completed, all units secure
10-100 Need to go to Bathroom- number one
10-200 "" " "" number two
Q-codes:
CQ General call to any/all stations - CQ DX Call to distant
stations
QRA What is the name of your station?
QRB How far approximately are you from my station?
QRD Where are you bound and where are you from?
QRG Will you tell me my exact frequency?
QRH Does my frequency vary?
QRK What is the readability of my signals(l-5)?
QRL Are you busy?
QRM Are you being interfered with? - Man-made interference
QRN Are you troubled by static? - Atmospheric noise
QRT Shall I stop sending? - "on-the-side"
QRU Have you anything for me?
QRV Are you ready?
QRW Shall I tell that you are calling him on channel ?
QRX When will you call again? - "off-the-air"
QRY What is my turn?
QRZ Who is calling me?
QSA What is the strength of my signals (1-5)?
QSB Are my signals fading?
QSL Can you acknowledge receipt? - Acknowledged
QSO Can you communicate with direct or by relay? - Also used
for "a communication" or a conversation
QSW Do you wish to transmit on this frequency?
QSX Will you listen to on channel ?
QSY Shall I change to another frequency? - Changing frequency
QTE What is my TRUE bearing from you? or What is my TRUE
bearing from?
QTH What is your position in latitude and longitude? -
location
QTI What is your TRUE course?
QTJ What is your speed?
QTL What is your TRUE heading?
QTK What is the exact time?
QTU What are the hours during which your station is open?
QTX Will you keep your station open for further communication
with me until further notice (or until hours)?
QUA Have you news of - ?
QUD Have you received the urgent signal sent by ?
QUF Have you received the distress signal sent by?
"Bear" – a law officer. The terms "Smokey" & "Bear" are both direct references to Smokey Bear, a character image commonly seen along U.S. highways. He wears a flat-brimmed forest ranger's hat very similar to the hat included in many highway patrol uniforms in the U.S.
"Bear Cave" / "Bear's Den" / "Bear's Lair" – a police station.
"Bear / Smokey in a plain brown wrapper" – a law officer in an unmarked police car. The term "plain white wrapper" is sometimes used, depending on the color of the vehicle.
"Bear in the air" / "Fly in the sky" / "Spy in the sky" – a police aircraft. While state police often use fixed-wing airplanes to monitor highway traffic, "fly" refers specifically to a helicopter.
"Bear in the grass" / "Smokey in the bush" – a speed trap.
"Bear with ears" – a police officer listening to others on the CB
"Blue Light" / "Blue Light Special" – a law enforcement vehicle, especially with a stopped motorist.
"Chicken coop" – a weigh station. "Locked up" / "clean" (ex: "the chicken coop is clean.") means the station is closed.
"City Kitty" / "City Bear" - Refers to local law enforcement monitoring a particular stretch of interstate which runs through their jurisdiction.
"Convoy" - a group of 3 or more truckers in a line, usually exceeding the speed limit.
"County Mountie" – a Sheriff's deputy car.
"Diesel Cop" / "D.O.T. Bear" – State Department of Transportation personnel, usually enforcing weight limits and safety rules ( brakes & tires).
"Disco Lights" – the flashing emergency lights of a law enforcement vehicle.
"Evel Knievel" – cop on a motorcycle.
"Full-Grown" / "Full Grown Bear" – a state policeman/trooper.
"Gum ball machine" / "bubble gum machine" – refers to a popular style of rotating mirror light used by many state police and some other law enforcement agencies at the time, however the term can refer to any law enforcement vehicle. It looked somewhat like the round style of 'penny' gumball machines. It was basically a clear cylinder, like an upside down jar, with lights and a spinning mirror system inside. It was usually mounted on the center of the roof.
"Hacker" – person or individual operating a radio transmission without regard for standard rules or etiquette.
"Leo" – short for Law Enforcement Officer
"Local yokel" / "City Kitty" / "Town Clown" – a law officer with a city or township police force, seldom encountered on interstate highways.
"Mama Bear" – a female law enforcement officer.
"Miss Piggy" – a pejorative term for a female law enforcement officer.
"Picture-taker" / "Smokey taking pictures" / "Smokey bear is taking a picture" / "Kojak with a Kodak" – a law officer monitoring traffic with a radar gun. Today, this can also refer to an automated speed camera.
"Radio Car" / "Super Trooper" - Either a marked or unmarked state trooper vehicle sporting additional antenna on the trunk or sides of the vehicle.
"Smokey" – a law officer. A "smokey report" is what CB users say when they have information on a law officer, such as location or current activities.
"Plain brown wrapper"-an unmarked highway patrol car- no emblems or lights on top, of any color, although the generic "brown" may be changed to the actual color of car, example - "plain black wrapper"
20080318
[1979] finished
